The Honest Truth
Who would have thought that at 22 my life would be how it is. I definitely didn't. To clarify, I don't feel like I'm where I should be in life. When I look at other people my age I see a couple different lifestyles; the constant partiers, the university students, and those that have everything figured out already and are way on their way into the good part of adulthood. I feel like I don't fit into any of those categories. I am not a constant partier, yes I do go out for wings once in a while and have a couple drinks now and again but other than that I'm not really big into alcohol and parties. I am currently not going to school, mostly because I can't afford it. Even if I could afford it I wouldn't even know what field I would want to pursue. Also, the idea of a student loan isn't all that appealing to me either.
Had I not just explained the reasons for my not being in those previous two groups, you might think I'd have it all together, that I might have my dream career, or any career, that I might be ready to take on the world and travel with my significant other, settle down, get married. Everyone seems to be getting married right now. But truthfully, none of that is a reality for me. I am floundering. There is really no other way to say it. Yes, there are things in my life I am super happy about. Like the fact that I live with my amazing boyfriend Dylan. Or the fact that we can afford rent and internet and have enough to put food on the table because there was a time that we were struggling with that. But there are things that I am not happy with.
Besides suffering from years of depression and anxiety, there are things that I absolutely hate about myself. If you don't know me, or haven't checked out my writer's profile picture, then you won't know that I am a red-head with lots and lots of freckles, glasses, and insane curly hair. I am pretty much the vision of a stereotypical nerd. I don't really mind that. I have also come to terms with my hair, the colour and the fact that I barely ever leave the house with it down because it gets in my way all the time. My glasses are also one thing about me that I don't mind, I always try to pick bold glasses, not sure why but I always seem drawn to them, maybe because I like that they hide my face. To be completely honest, I don't like the appearance of my face. I don't really know why, but it's just something that I really don't like about myself. Yes, makeup helps a bit, but I never really have time to do my makeup.
Besides not liking how I look, I also feel like I'm drowning in terms of feeling pressure to find the perfect career. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Every time I think of something that might interest me or that I might be good at, I think of all the different ways I would fail at it. Most of my friends, even my boyfriend, and his friends, all have a career path figured out. I don't, instead, I work a full-time job in retail. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job, but it's not where I want to stay my whole life. I want to be able to answer the question, "So, what do you do?", with an actual answer, like "I'm a Police Officer", or "I'm an accountant". But as of right now, I have no career path or any idea of which one I would want to pick if I were given the chance.
Some of you might be thinking, these aren't reasons to hate yourself. For someone who has been living with depression and social anxiety for as long as I have, these are the things that get you down. Sometimes little things like my socks not feeling right in my shoes are enough for me to have a break down if I've had a bad week. Other times, I try doing my makeup before work to make myself feel better, only to hate how it looks and take it all off again before I leave. On really good days, I get up early, get dressed and not care at all how my socks feel, those are the days that I leave the house with makeup on. Poor Dylan has had to deal with all of these ups and downs. But he handles it so well. He never gets mad at me, or impatient. On my bad days, he will look at me and tell me how beautiful I am, even when I have tear streaked foundation. God bless that man. I am so lucky to have him.
To be completely honest, I really didn't think this was going to be the theme for my first post. I wanted you to get a sense of where all of my future posts will be coming from, that meaning, why my perceptions and opinions are the way they are. I wanted to give you all the real truth behind the words. A glimpse into my life, if you will. I thank all of you that made it this far into the post and didn't give up thinking, "Wow, she is some kind of messed up. I don't want to read that depressing stuff". Thank you. I will see you all with my next, much more happy post.
Sophie-Marie
Had I not just explained the reasons for my not being in those previous two groups, you might think I'd have it all together, that I might have my dream career, or any career, that I might be ready to take on the world and travel with my significant other, settle down, get married. Everyone seems to be getting married right now. But truthfully, none of that is a reality for me. I am floundering. There is really no other way to say it. Yes, there are things in my life I am super happy about. Like the fact that I live with my amazing boyfriend Dylan. Or the fact that we can afford rent and internet and have enough to put food on the table because there was a time that we were struggling with that. But there are things that I am not happy with.
Besides suffering from years of depression and anxiety, there are things that I absolutely hate about myself. If you don't know me, or haven't checked out my writer's profile picture, then you won't know that I am a red-head with lots and lots of freckles, glasses, and insane curly hair. I am pretty much the vision of a stereotypical nerd. I don't really mind that. I have also come to terms with my hair, the colour and the fact that I barely ever leave the house with it down because it gets in my way all the time. My glasses are also one thing about me that I don't mind, I always try to pick bold glasses, not sure why but I always seem drawn to them, maybe because I like that they hide my face. To be completely honest, I don't like the appearance of my face. I don't really know why, but it's just something that I really don't like about myself. Yes, makeup helps a bit, but I never really have time to do my makeup.
Besides not liking how I look, I also feel like I'm drowning in terms of feeling pressure to find the perfect career. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Every time I think of something that might interest me or that I might be good at, I think of all the different ways I would fail at it. Most of my friends, even my boyfriend, and his friends, all have a career path figured out. I don't, instead, I work a full-time job in retail. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job, but it's not where I want to stay my whole life. I want to be able to answer the question, "So, what do you do?", with an actual answer, like "I'm a Police Officer", or "I'm an accountant". But as of right now, I have no career path or any idea of which one I would want to pick if I were given the chance.
Some of you might be thinking, these aren't reasons to hate yourself. For someone who has been living with depression and social anxiety for as long as I have, these are the things that get you down. Sometimes little things like my socks not feeling right in my shoes are enough for me to have a break down if I've had a bad week. Other times, I try doing my makeup before work to make myself feel better, only to hate how it looks and take it all off again before I leave. On really good days, I get up early, get dressed and not care at all how my socks feel, those are the days that I leave the house with makeup on. Poor Dylan has had to deal with all of these ups and downs. But he handles it so well. He never gets mad at me, or impatient. On my bad days, he will look at me and tell me how beautiful I am, even when I have tear streaked foundation. God bless that man. I am so lucky to have him.
To be completely honest, I really didn't think this was going to be the theme for my first post. I wanted you to get a sense of where all of my future posts will be coming from, that meaning, why my perceptions and opinions are the way they are. I wanted to give you all the real truth behind the words. A glimpse into my life, if you will. I thank all of you that made it this far into the post and didn't give up thinking, "Wow, she is some kind of messed up. I don't want to read that depressing stuff". Thank you. I will see you all with my next, much more happy post.
Sophie-Marie
You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteWhere I anticipated to be and where I am currently are far cries from each other. I thought I would be an architect, then a marketer. Then I had to gave up on that, put my love life on pause, and chose between library technician, pharmacy technician and broadcasting. You know the rest of the story from there, but I also tried being an animator, a game designer, a comic writer, a digital music composer. I've been an odd job jack and I'm still figuring it out.
My ten cents: Just try stuff. For hobbies, whatever. Never know what will peak your interest.
I suck at coding (proof: got a D in uni) but I love it.
Also I enjoy your openness, it comes off as genuine and honest to admit your humanity. Anxiety is a cruel beast. I just hope for the best on your endeavours!
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Deletestill trying to figure my life out
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